The motion picture “The Vow” (Spyglass Entertainment 2012) was the eighth highest-grossing romantic drama produced since 1980. In the complex storyline, a daughter discovers that her father had an affair with her best friend. Struggling through her betrayal and anger, she confronts her mother, “He cheated on you with my friend! How could you stay with him?” Her mother’s response became the memorable and
insightful quote from the film, “I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right, and not to leave him for the one thing that he had done wrong. I chose to forgive him.”
In the third volume of my book series, “Dismantling Doctrines of Demons: Discovering the Deliverance” (Amazon Kindle 2024), I discuss forgiveness as an integral part of that deliverance. We all have regrets about our past sinful choices, and coming to terms with those failures in reconciliation with God, family, church, and friends can pose a deep personal struggle. Receiving God’s forgiveness is experienced simply through genuine confession and repentance. Learning to forgive ourselves and getting past our own past can be more difficult, but it is a crucial and hopeful part of the journey. It's important to remember that we are not alone in this struggle and that self-forgiveness is a valid and necessary part of our spiritual growth. Gaining the forgiveness of others is even more challenging since we cannot control how they think and feel or their intentions toward us.
But what about when the roles are reversed, and you are one of those “others” being asked to forgive? Depending on the severity of the offense and the extent of the suffering it has caused you, extending forgiveness and rebuilding trust can be one of the toughest decisions you can make. However, choosing to forgive is not a sign of weakness but a powerful demonstration of strength and empowerment. It also gives us a sense of control over our own emotions and actions. Unforgiveness leaves us in a state of vulnerable uncertainty, both emotionally and spiritually, especially as followers of Christ.
The foundational framework for our approach to this undertaking rests solidly on the forgiveness extended to us through God. While not diminishing the value of God’s forgiveness, it can be attained simply through the standard given to us by John – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). God’s offer is forthright; He is willing to forgive and cleanse us of any sin, but there is an essential condition – confession. This word in the Greek text means to speak the same word or “be on the same page,” as we might say. If God’s Word identifies any thought or action as sinful and that condition is a part of our life, we honestly agree with God that it is sin. We don’t make excuses for it or try to justify it by any means; we simply concede with God that it is a sin. When we do, God graciously forgives us immediately without delay.
Occasionally, we might meet persons who don’t see themselves as sinners. Their mindset is that since they are basically good, ethical, and moral people who don’t cheat, lie, steal, drink, do drugs, or sleep around, they are pretty decent human beings. The apostle John would challenge that misperception with the hard truth of inspired Scripture – If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us…if we say that we have not sinned, we make God a liar, and His word is not in us (I John 1:8,10). It is a deceptive self-image because God’s Word declares with unquestionable certainty – There is none righteous, not even one…there is none who does good…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:10,12,23).
A remarkable encounter is recorded in the 8th chapter of John’s Gospel about a woman caught in the very act of adultery. The scribes and Pharisees brought her to Jesus and challenged Him with what should be done with her since the Law of Moses commanded such women to be stoned to death. Jesus turned the table on those self-righteous leaders with one penetrating challenge – He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her (John 8:7). Notice that Jesus did not say, “He who has never committed adultery…” but rather sin period. Any sin! Realizing their own lack of integrity, they walked away guilty as charged. Their problem was much the same as ours. We see sin as big sin or little sin and assume that as long as there are no big sins in our lives, we are better than those who are guilty of much more serious offenses. God makes no such distinctions. With God, sin is sin. None of it is acceptable! All sin must be confessed and forgiven; otherwise, its presence in our lives fills us with arrogant pride about our misconceived virtue.
A natural outcome of genuine confession is resolute repentance. When Jesus confronted this woman, His gracious and loving gift to her was – I do not condemn you (John 8:11). These were indeed wonderful and liberating words to hear God speak! However, they were not given without an additional directive – From now on, sin no more (John 8:11). If we walk away from such an exchange with God harboring the underlying intent to repeat the same sin, we undermine the integrity and sincerity of our confession. A true desire to please God with a determination to live in obedience to His Word, will, and ways are crucial in experiencing His merciful forgiveness. While we are not perfect and sin remains a part of our lives, we always have the advocacy of the I John 1:9 promise.
Just how extensive is God’s forgiveness? It is vastly immense! The Psalmist declared – As far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12). A bit of geological perspective will help us see the extent of this immensity. If you take off walking in a northerly direction, you will eventually reach the point where all the longitudes meet at the earth’s northernmost axis. The exact moment you cross that pole, you will have ceased walking north and will have begun walking south. The same change of direction would occur as you cross the southern axis. It is not the same, however, when you launch your trek in a westerly direction. No matter how far you walk, you will never reach a point on the planet where you have ceased walking west and begin walking east. The same is true if you start walking east. You never stop walking east. The point is to illustrate infinity. God removes our sin to an infinite place where it can never be found. That is immense!
God’s forgiveness is also irretrievable. Through the prophet Isaiah, God said, "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins" (Isaiah 43:25). When you balance the promise of this verse with one of God's divine attributes, a remarkable insight emerges. You see, God is omniscient, which means He is all-knowing. God knows everything at all times, past, present and future. Because of this, He cannot actually forget our sins. The Hebrew word translated remember in this text means “to bring back to mind” or “mention again.” That means God doesn’t hold a gunnysack full of all our past sins to reach into and throw back into our faces over and over again. He chooses to no longer hold them against us in any future application. God makes our forgiven sins irretrievable for any purpose moving forward.
There is no more complete forgiveness we can experience outside the forgiveness of God. It is immediate the moment we genuinely confess our sins and repent. It is immense in that God removes them to a place of infinity where they can never be found. It is irretrievable in that God will never bring them up again in the future to compound our guilt.
These Biblical truths help us move forward with the confidence and assurance of God’s total and complete forgiveness, but the real challenge lies ahead. When we are the victim of another person’s sin and we hold unforgiveness in our hearts toward that person, we nurture the bitterness and anger that goes with it.
In the third volume of my book series, I identify four types of people related to our discussion. One group is the “Never Forgivers.” There are simply some people who do not have the ability to ever forgive another. They lack the emotional maturity, relational capacity, and spiritual fortitude to extend this important virtue. These are indeed sad, lonely, and pathetic people. Many are not true believers at all since forgiveness is a fundamental quality of genuine spiritual character. Another group is the “Never Forgetters.” They will piously assert forgiveness, but they will never forget what you have done and will always hold it in reserve for future reference and blame against you. They lack the ability to restore faith and trust. Then there are the “Never Formers” who extend forgiveness but insist it should only come with certain consequences and restrictions that they define and which don’t always comply with Biblical guidelines. They would insist you can be forgiven, but you can never assume certain former roles or resume certain prior services (insert the blank) ever again. Finally, there are the “Never Fellows” who assure that you are forgiven, but you can’t be forgiven here; you’ll have to be forgiven somewhere else. You are no longer welcome here.
None of these “Nevers” forgive the way God forgives; therefore they are Biblically invalid. Paul commanded the Christians in Ephesus – Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32). That applies to us today. How does God forgive us? We have qualified that it is immediately, immensely, and irretrievably. If you do not extend and express forgiveness the same way, you are not forgiving another as God has forgiven you, and that produces extenuating consequences that are destructive to your spiritual and emotional well-being. Let me mention four critical ways.
Your Sins Become Unforgivable:
Jesus issued this sobering warning - Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions. (Mark 11:25-26). Because sin will always be a struggle in our life until we are glorified in God’s presence, confession is a day-by-day practice in keeping a short record of accounts with God. The integrity of our obedience depends on it. Just imagine the magnitude of no longer receiving His forgiveness for the multiple times throughout the day when we dwell on sinful thoughts, abruptly speak sinful things, willfully make sinful choices, or mindlessly behave in sinful rebellion. We utter those repetitive words, “And Lord, please forgive me for all my sins,” yet they reverberate in heavenly silence. A person cannot endure life effectively with unforgiven sin compounding daily upon his spiritual condition because of stubborn unforgiveness being harbored in his own heart. It opens the floodgate for many other self-defeating obstacles that make life difficult to maneuver.
Your Prayers Become Unanswerable:
Through the prophet Isaiah, God declared - Behold, the Lord's hand is not so short that it cannot save; neither is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He does not hear.
(Isaiah 59:1-2). Herein lies another sobering condition for the person fostering unforgiveness toward another. Imagine praying for a better job, the healing of a beloved family member, the wisdom to make the right decision, or God’s help in solving one of life’s many problems, only to hear the stone silence of heaven offering no help or answer. Why? Because – Our transgressions are multiplied before Thee and our sins testify against us; for our transgressions are with us and we know our iniquities (Isaiah 59:12). When our sins remain unforgiven, they simply compound and multiply against us, causing God to turn a deaf ear toward our prayers. Unforgiveness cuts off the line of communication we have with God in prayer.
Your Service Becomes Unacceptable:
Jesus revealed, "Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court." (Matthew 5:22). Anger is a natural by-product of unforgiveness. We can maintain a state of unforgiveness yet piously continue our religious activity of serving God, thinking we are doing good and exercising our spiritual faithfulness when actually what we are doing is a violation against Christ. Jesus insisted - "If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” (Matthew 5:23-24). Think about what you are offering to God in service to His Kingdom. Unforgiveness makes those things unacceptable to God. Your money is rejected. Your singing is rejected. Your teaching, visiting, worship; it is all defiled as long as your heart is corrupted with unforgiveness. The only way to remedy this defeating plight is reconciliation with the one(s) you simply refuse to forgive. Only then are you free to honor Him with your gifts of service.
Your Protection Becomes Unsustainable:
Anger and bitterness accompany an unforgiving spirit in a person. Those emotions open doors for satanic attacks in one’s life. Paul warned - Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. (Ephesians 4:26-27). Paul understood the reality of this evil vice and how intricately attached it is to unforgiveness – I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it…in order that no advantage be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes (II Corinthians 2:10-11). Jesus revealed that Satan’s schemes amount fundamentally to – kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10). We can open inroads to demonic attacks in our lives that produce varying degrees of destitution, destruction, and death. None are more effective than an unforgiving spirit saturated with anger, bitterness, resentment, and vengeance. Not letting the sun go down on these emotions means that they must be confronted and resolved, lest they fester and grow until they destroy what is precious and valuable.
A person might ask, “Do I have to forgive every kind of offense?” They might also ask, “How many times do I have to forgive a person?” Scripture directly addresses both of these questions. When writing to the church in ancient Galatia, Paul said, “Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1). Note that Paul stipulated “any trespass.” Is there any sin in your life that is greater than the blood of Jesus to cover and the grace of God to forgive? Then, no such sin exists in the life of another toward whom you harbor unforgiveness. Whatever the sin, we are to restore that person in proper fellowship. That word means to repair or mend something that has been damaged or broken. It takes someone who is spiritual to do that. One of the key factors that prevents a person from being able to forgive another is emotional and spiritual immaturity. That factor also clouds their perspective and keeps them from honestly looking to themselves and realizing they, too, could be just as guilty as their offender, even in worse and more perverse ways.
Peter came to Jesus one day and posed the question, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" (Matthew 18:21). Most of us think we’ve been pretty gracious to forgive someone three or four times, especially as many as seven! Jesus challenged that self-righteous perception when He clarified, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22). I’ll do the math for you; that amounts to 490 times! I’m betting that by the time you reach that quota, both you and your offender will have a much more respectful and workable relationship.
In this account, Jesus illustrates the principle through a parable about a slave who owed his master a large sum of money he couldn’t pay back. The master decided to sell the slave, his family, and all he had to recoup what he was owed. The slave begged his master not to do that, so feeling compassion for him, the master forgave the debt and released him of the obligation. Later, the master learned that this very slave was owed money by another fellow slave who also begged for a pardon, but the slave hardened his heart with unforgiveness and had the other slave thrown into prison. When the master heard of this incident, he was moved with righteous indignation against his slave for doing such a hypocritical thing and handed him over to the torturers until he paid what was owed him. Jesus then declared the sobering truth - "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:35). True forgiveness comes from the heart. It is not mere words or superficial actions; it is pure and real, straight from the heart.
Unforgiveness imprisons you to a life sentence of emotional defeat, relational destruction, spiritual depletion, and a perpetual state of broken fellowship with God until it is Biblically resolved. The pain is not worth the gain, and the price will cost you more than you ever wanted to pay. The freedom that forgiveness brings can only be embraced through graceful humility and merciful compassion as you choose to sincerely forgive another.
Corrie Ten Boom shares a testimony of the moment God’s truth about forgiveness hit home in her own life. Corrie and her family helped nearly 800 Jews escape the Holocaust during World War II and the Nazi occupation of Holland. She was arrested and imprisoned in the concentration camp at Ravensbrück where she was exposed, exploited, and brutally abused. Her sister, Betsie, died under those harsh conditions.
Years later, in 1947, Corrie spoke at a church in Munich about forgiveness. In a Guidepost Magazine interview, she said, “When we confess our sins, God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever.” Following her presentation, people began quietly exiting the sanctuary, except for one rugged gentleman. To her shock, Corrie recognized him immediately as one of the Nazi guards in the concentration camp that so abused her and her fellow prisoners. He reached for her hand to thank her for her message, but she fumbled in her purse to avoid his contact. He told her he was a guard at Ravensbrück, but said, “Since that time, I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein, will you forgive me?”
Corrie said, “I stood there. I, whose sins had every day to be forgiven and could not. Betsie had died in that place. Could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking? It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me, it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. For I had to do it; I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,” Jesus says, “neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’”
Knowing that forgiveness is an act of the will, Corrie prayed, “Jesus, help me!” With all the emotional strength she could muster, Corrie stretched out her hand to meet his. “As I did,” she said, “an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, and sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.” In total surrender, Corrie cried, “I forgive you, brother! With all my heart, I forgive you.” She said, “For a long moment, we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.”
I wish all my readers who struggle with unforgiveness could experience that divine liberating encounter Corrie Ten Boom described. Imagine how exuberant a prisoner must feel to be totally exonerated and released through the prison gates to walk away in the glorious freedom of pardon. Your offender would love to experience that kind of liberation, but more importantly, you need to.
You have carried this burden long enough. The anger and bitterness associated with it have eaten away your quality of life far too long. Do you not feel the convicting power of the Holy Spirit pounding at your heart’s door at his very moment, saying, “It’s time to lay this burden down and have it done.” Call that person. Go knock on their door. Honestly, genuinely, and sincerely express to them, “I forgive you. With all my heart, I forgive you. Please forgive me for my own unforgiving spirit toward you and all the ways my anger and bitterness have treated you. May we please start over afresh and anew in sweet fellowship with God and one another?” The power of God’s presence and approval will so richly overwhelm you that you will wonder how you have ever carried this heavy burden for so long.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8).
Blessings,
Rick M. Smith
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